Be Prepared - what we are doing in our season of waiting.

Our family is emigrating, and we have been waiting on VISAs for what feels like forever. The 12 weeks they originally quoted us have come and gone and we are still here, waiting. My husband has a job in the UK already. Luckily, they are allowing him to work remotely from here until we are able to leave. But each day gets more difficult, the situation of working there but living here more tenuous. This week I have felt particularly stuck, not moving forward but not able to go back to how life was. Living in limbo is a really terrible place. Nothing is certain and the children are taking strain as their lives seem to just float around them with no substance. So, the question is how do you live in limbo? A place when you are neither here nor there. In that place of transition. Like the Israelites in the desert on the way to the place God has called you to but not there yet. Well, its not easy and I certainly don’t have all the answers.

 

I have been reading a book by Craig Cooney called The Tension of Transition. It has been incredibly helpful in this season of our lives. In the piece I read today Craig wrote that God tends to speak in sentences and not paragraphs. God knows that giving us the whole picture of our futures would be total overwhelming and so he gives us our instructions one step at a time. So today I prayed, ‘Lord what is the next step you want us to take.’ And I got one word in response – PREPARE. Suddenly Scar (from the Lion King) is standing on top of a rock singing ‘Be prepared’ inside my mind’s eye. Jokes aside I really am not sure what we are supposed to be doing to PREPARE. We have filled in all the paperwork, submitted all the documents, lined up a moving company, found my mom a place to live, left our schools and our jobs. Really, what else am I supposed to do to be ready God?

 

Well through Craig’s book I have come to understand that God used the Israelites’ time in the desert to bring them from slavery to freedom and to teach them how to be his people. He was preparing then for life in the promised land. With that in mind I prayed and asked God what he thinks we need to do to PREPARE for this next season of our lives. Here are some of the things he has asked me to do, perhaps this list (although certainly not exhaustive) might help you to as you wait in that in-between place.

 

·         Say goodbye. Not just a last wave as you get onto the plane but a proper honouring goodbye. Tell the people and places you are leaving behind how much you love them, honour them for what they have done and meant to you. Thank them. Write letters or sit together as a family and discuss this kind of goodbye together. Recently we sat together and said a proper goodbye to our house before we sold it. We honoured it for protecting us and keeping us warm. We reminisced about our happy memories inside it and we thanked it for being our place of safety. It sounds weird but without this type of goodbye moving on is really hard.

·         Allow space for mourning. Sometimes during a transition like moving countries it can be hard to find space or energy to mourn the things you are loosing. Perhaps like us you are trying your best to be upbeat for your kids who are already feeling down. Mourning is the last thing you want to get into. But its important. If you don’t admit to yourself that you are loosing things and people then those feelings of loss will follow you into your new space and make you sad and depressed there. Working through our feelings can be hard but bottling them up can be even harder.

·         Pray through it. Never stop praying. Even when you feel like you are praying the same thing over and over again. God hears you but He also knows his timing is perfect. Pray for all the small things, the things you need each day to keep you going not just the big things like getting your VISA. We created a prayer wall in our house where we write all our prayers out and we update it from time to time with answers to prayer and any new prayer requests we might have.

·         Work with your kids on their personal struggles. These are things that have really come to light due to the transition you find yourself in. During this time, it has become more apparent just how much my children fall into the trap of worrying. So, we are using this time to talk about worry and how God sees it. We are also reading a book called Outsmarting Worry by Dawn Huebner. We are also working on having a Growth Mindset using a book called Growth Mindset Workbook for kids by Peyton Curly.

·         We have also used this time to become closer as a nuclear family. We will know almost no one when we get to where we are going, and we will need to learn to rely on each other and be able to depend on each other. So, we have been going bowling, playing board games, having movie nights and creating other family traditions that make us a closer knit family.

·         Learn about the place you are going to. Use this time of transition to learn about the country you are going to. We have watched documentaries about the history of the UK. We have learnt about how their money works. We have used google maps to look at the place we will be staying, at where the shops are, where the parks are and where the schools we might attend are. We also ordered a large fold out map so we could see where things are in relation to one another.

·         Take time for yourself. Living in limbo is terribly stressful so don’t forget to practice some self-care. Here are some ideas for mom’s I wrote about a while ago.

·         Keep your marriage strong. Times like this can be very taxing on a marriage. So make sure to take a date night here and there and ban each other from speaking about the move. Talk and plan together, share your feelings and be honest.

·         Last but most certainly not least; read your bible. It is incredible what a comfort the word of God can be in a season like this.  

Building a skyscraper

Woolworths Building NYC.

 A while ago I wrote a post about building cathedrals and since then this idea has been something my husband and I uses as a way of reassuring ourselves on really hard days. This last holiday was a real struggle for me. With three kids, one of whom is still a very needy toddler, it felt very much like every day was just more of the same. I was feeling very hard done by and sorry for myself because my work is non-stop and mommy's don't get 'vacation days'.

At Christmas my hubby wrote me the most wonderful message in my Christmas card. It was the best Christmas present I received. It made me cry (and I am not a cryer). I wanted to share it with all of you because I am pretty sure I am  not the only mom who feels exhausted and unappreciated at times. Here is what this lovely man wrote:

"There is no way I could do this without you! Please know that while the credit for a skyscraper goes to the architect the foundations are laid by an engineer and the concrete mix is thrown by a labourer. The labourer feels 'ordinary' until he (or she) sees the final product. So when you have to so when you have to mix cement (cook dinner or clean the house) or when you are designing the foundation plan (building relationships, teaching potty training etc) or being the architect choosing schools. teaching about God). You may feel ordinary at first but just wait till the skyscraper is finished. "

When God calls you to be ordinary

"You have a purpose in this life."

" God will guide you to make a difference."

" You are fearfully and wonderfully made."

"You are special."

I have heard this many times throughout my life and I have said it to myself during the dark nights of wondering who I am and what I am meant to do with my time on earth. It is after all, the eternal question, why am I here? As a Christian I know God has the answer to that question. He knows what purpose he has for me. He has gifted me and he has a plan. There have been many cross roads in my life where the search for this purpose has kept me on my knees and awake at night. 

As a child dreaming of my life and as a teenager planning bigs things for my future I always envisioned that somehow I was made to do something special, something extraordinary. In university I searched for that one perfect 'job' that would bring together all my talents, gifts, passions and abilities. To find my perfect place and purpose in the universe. Something that would fulfill me, challenge me, make me happy and bring the kingdom of God to earth. 

After many many years of searching for that one perfect thing I have learnt that such a destiny only exists in fairy tales. That our lives are full of seasons and in each our purpose and God's plan for us may well be different. 

Unfortunately somehow I keep missing the memo. I find myself striving, yearning, reaching for something new and exciting. Searching for something else, after all, I am special and God must have more planned for me than what I have now. Did I mention that I am a mom to three kids under 5. Which for reasons I cannot fathom (insert sarcastic wink here) is not nearly as glamorous, fulfilling and meaningful as I had thought it would be. I know, crazy right! 

Don't get me wrong, I love my munchkins and I chose (and continue to choose) to stay at home with them. It's just that when you are changing throw-up-sheets at midnight or sleeping next to a child who expects you to warm her feet under your back (whilst kicking you) or playing snakes and ladders for the  hundredth time, onetends to loose oneself in the mundaneness of it all. One tends to find one's mind wandering, during the third poo nappy change of the morning, whether this really is all one is to ever be. A bottle washer, cook, cleaner, transporter, disciplinarian, referee and chair

In September I was given the amazing blessing of going to the annual women's retreat at our church. I was so excited. What would God have in store for me? After all I have been at home for five years now perhaps it time to break out of my shell and do something really awesome for Him. 

The anticipation of meeting with God made my brain buzz so much that I couldn't focus during our first silent prayer time. "Please God still my excited mind, help me to be calm and at peace so I can hear from you this weekend." And then I did! But it wasn't exactly what I was expecting. Infact it wasn't even what I wanted to hear. 

In the silence God whispered in his still, small voice, "I want you..."

"Yes God I'm listening, I'm ready to do something awesome"

"....to be ordinary."

"Wait, what now. But I am awesome and you have given me all these gifts surely you have something special for me to do." 

"I do daughter, you are right where you are supposed to be. I want you to just be. Be an ordinary mother."

I was sure there must have been some mistake. I came on this retreat because God was going to show me how He was going to fulfill His purpose through me. As you can imagine "I want you to be ordinary" was really not what I wanted to hear. 

Slowly throughout the weekend God revealed his plan for my life during this season.

 "I need you to stand still, can you do that?"

"No, no I can't Lord. You made me, you know I get bored easily. You know that my creative brain can't possibly stay focused on only one thing."

"Will you stand still, will you be ordinary?"

"No you must have the wrong person. I am too much of a creative force to be still. Anyway mother's get so little appreciation and acknowledgment. I need that, you made that my love language, remember Lord."

"Can you be an ordinary mother for me? Will you let that be enough? Can you serve your family and not yourself? Can you have a true servant heart like I do?"

"But I don't know how to do that, how to be that. I don't think I can stand still, I don't think I can just be a mom. I don't know how to serve without begrudging getting up to a child who wants juice at 2am or being irritated with correcting a behaviour for the hundredth time (no you may not sit on your baby brother). I don't know how to graciously release my hard working husband to go out for a beer with friends on a Friday its-the-end-of-the-week-and-I'm-about-to-loose-my-mind-night."

"Can you do this? You keep seeking your purpose and my plan for you. Can you stop seeking and be the ordinary mother I am asking you to be."

"Alright lord but I don't know how."

"Hold onto me and I will teach you the steps."

"Ok Lord, I'm ready to try."

"Alright then..... Shall we dance?"

Painting by Leonid Afremov

The things I have done....... for my son.

It's been a long time since I've written anything for my blog. I guess I've had a combination of writers block and three-children-no-time-to-sit-downitis. In that time so much has happened that I have no idea where or how to start again.  So in the end I have just decided to start where I am now and fill in the gaps as I go along. 

Right now I am feeling overworked and under appreciated, not to mention sleep deprived and totally overwhelmed. There have been many days when I have wondered if I am really cut out to be a stay-at-home mom. I have been tired, irritable, shouty, short tempered and in a general funk with my kids (and my poor husband). 

I got to the point where I started to wonder if perhaps it was time to pack it in and go back to work where perhaps I would at least be appreciated. Yesterday out of the blue, a pod cast link appeared on my FB page for a radio show with a guest mom, Lisa Jo Baker, talking about finding your identity as a mom. I listened to it and it was like she was talking directly to me. Wow. God used Lisa Jo to talk to me right where I was directly to my heart. 

I don't know why but I am always so astounded when God finds an unexpected way to speak into me life. After many weeks of beating myself up I finally decided to look at some of the things I have accomplished as a mom. The words that poured out surprised me and when I reread them I cried. But once again I was reminded just how easy it is for the devil to focus my attention on everything I am doing wrong. It makes me sad at just how easily I am blinded. 

Here is what I wrote on May 20th of this year. Things have changed a lot since then but more about that later.  The things I have done...

Read, prayed, sought wisdom and professional counselling for my son. I did not give up when my husband didn't easily agree, when the devil got in and said I was crazy. 

I have driven him to play therapy and OT. 

I have put my other children off to do this.

I have loved, reasoned, rationalized, intellectualized, disciplined and hugged him through out-of-control tantrums, arguments, anger and fear.

I have been the only person he wants and the one person he is meanest to. I have been hugged, kissed, clung to, cried for, kicked, punched, bitten, hit, shouted at and hated on. 

I have listened to his night mares, philosophized about heaven and dying with him and answered a million questions on a million topics.

I have played puzzles, read books, built duplo and played fantasy at 5am and when I really needed to be taking care of other things.

I have given up my whole life and withdrawn from all my extracurricular activities to be there for him and to make sure I had the energy to deal with his emotional state calmly.

I have made charts, carried weighted stuff toys across the Atlantic, stocked the car with juice and allowed him to sleep in my bed for nights on end. 

Now almost three years later I am finally seeing all my hard work, in the area of his anxiety, make a difference. Finally we are at the point of him being on medication which is making a huge difference to his life. We have a long road still to go and I will be the one to carry the load again and again because he is my son and I want a different and a better life for him than I had. One where he is not crippled by anxiety. 

Mom's have super powers

Recently it was my son's 4th birthday party and we had a wonderful Super hero training themes party. Lot and lots of fun. So our house is very super hero mad at the moment. Curious Goerge basically wore the Iron Man costume we gave him every day. By the end of the week it could walk off him.

This super hero craze got me thinking about how as a mom I have a special set of super powers as well. 

Here are some of the super powers I've discovered and honed over the past 4 yrs. In no particular order:

1. Night vision - the ability to find blankies , pjs, blankets and bottles in the dark. As well as to walk down stairs to heat bottles without switching on a light or stepping on toys.

2. Magic healing power - the ability to go any owie with a plaster or a kiss and cuddle. Although CG often tells me it's too sore for a kiss.

3. Super strength - the ability to wear my baby all day because she won't sleep any other way, to carry my 2 and 4 yr olds down the stairs, to carry bikes and or children around the shops or park.

4. Snack attack - the ability to pull a snack out of thin air when someone is very grumpy (sometimes thin air is the bottom of my handbag where said snack has been for months).

5. Blood hound sense of smell - the ability to smell when your child has a poo nappy in amongst a whole group of toddlers or babies.

6. Wakefulness power - the ability to stay awake and function on extremely small amounts of sleep. 

7. Shape shifting - the ability to turn yourself into different people according to the situation; carer, nurse, cool, cleaner, educator, wife, friend and the list continues.

8. Imagination power - the ability to distract a child with the things around you or what you have in your handbag when they are bored in a queue (at Dischem most often).

9. Super hearing - the ability to pick out your child's cry or scream in a playground full of children.

10.Hidden vegetable power - the ability to hide veggies in seemingly kid friendly dishes like speghetti bolognaise and cake  (I'm still working on this power).

A poem for mom's - Happy Mother's Day

When Mommy is Your Name....!!

 

The telephone's ringing, the TV is blaring.

Sister is crying' cause Brother's not sharing.

There's a spill on the carpet that no one will claim.

There's no time for sitting when Mommy's your name.

 

The laundry is folded but not put away.

The dishes you just washed are from yesterday.

Without any warning your relatives came.

There's no getting caught up when Mommy's your name.

 

You drive to the market, you drive to the school

You drive to the cleaners, you drive the carpool

You drive yourself crazy, it's really a shame.

There's no time for resting when Mommy's your name.

 

To your bedroom you sneak to find peace for a minute,

but your minute is over before you begin it.

Your little one finds you and thinks it's a game.

There's no time for hiding when Mommy's your name.

 

At night as you kneel to thank God above you,

An angel creeps in and says, "Mommy, I love you."

You may not know glory or fortune or fame,

but what does it matter when Mommy's your name?

 

Thanks to my bestie for sending me this lovely poem.

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You know you're a mom when...

..... you drink your morning coffee on the shower.

Because I need you to understand...... a letter about the hard times

Last year when my daughter was about three months old and I was really struggling with having two small children (not there aren't days when I struggle now - they are just further apart) I had a terrible Saturday morning with when my husband was out having a worship team practice. I was trying, and had been trying for some time, to get my daughter to sleep in her cot and I was exhausted and my son was unhappy with this new baby who took mommy's time and generally things were not going well. I was feeling resentful that my husband got to go out and do things while I was stuck at home. I felt that he didn't truly appreciate what it was like for me and more than anything I was desperate for his sympathy, empathy and for him to acknowledge how tough it really was looking after these two needy individuals all on my own.

 

That morning in my desperation and frustration I wrote him a letter. I never gave it to him because I knew that it would not have been helpful at the time and I knew he was trying his best to support me even though he himself was beyond worn out. When you are both giving all your energy to two small people there just isn't much energy left to support each other. Things have gotten easier and we have realised the importance of supporting each other as well as the kids.

 

I wanted to share this letter because I thought it might give those on the outside some insight into the really tough times of motherhood. I thought it might also strike a cord with mothers and help you to realise you are not alone in the hard times, we are all just doing our best to survive. If you are feeling like no one understands you please tell them, explain it to them in detail, send them this link, but don't let the resentment fester and turn into a hole in your relationship. No one wins when that happens, I know.

So at the risk of bearing too much if my soul, here goes (please excuse the lack of punctuation it was written stream-of-consciousness style):

"Because I need you to understand here is what the last half hour has looked like for me.

After 2hrs of tv I told Curious George no more. He screamed and woke Jelly Bean who was sleeping on my lap. I am desperate to get dressed and put her down. My back is aching from carrying her the whole of yesterday. I just need a moment of carrying only my own weight. I tell CG I am going to get dressed. He says no and indicates I must play with him in the playroom. I say I will as soon as I'm dressed. The only way I can see to get dressed will be to put JB down in her cot she's too tired to be awake. So I go to her room and bounce her on the ball. CG stands at the bottom of the stairs and calls mom mommom mom. I go and get the cd player from his room to drown out his noise. I ignore him in the hopes he will calm down and come upstairs on his own. I continue to bounce JB who is wide awake now. CG comes up stairs shouting all the way. He comes to the door and moans and I tell him to come in because I know he will start cring next. As he comes in I say sssh mommy's putting JB to sleep. He says sssh and I think he's gonna co-operate. He wonders around the room and I can see he's trying to be quiet but he keeps blasting out words and I keep saying ssh CG you need to be quiet, the more noise you make the longer it takes mommy to put JB to sleep. I say find a book to read he says no. I say go and find a book in your room he says no. Then he finds the lady bug light and switches that on. He gets all excited and shouts and JB opens her eyes again. I say ssh quietly or you'll have to go out. That upsets him and he throws himself on the floor and says go bom loudly. I say shh. He wanders over to her draws muttering to himself and opens the draws. He finds the little ipod speaker and brings it to me. I say thank you and put it next to me. He picks it up and throws it. I say its not a toy CG leave it alone. He moans again and I say be quiet or you'll have to go out. I say do you want to play the straw game. He finally says yes and fetches if from the draw. He gives it to me and I empty it out all the while still trying to bounce JB on the Pilates ball. He plays for a while and I focus on Ella whose eyes are finally closing. Now she seems to be asleep. He's finished playing and I offer to open the tub so he can play again he say no. JB is looking like she's asleep so I tell CG to be very quiet and I stand up from the ball. I am praying please let her stay asleep, please let here stay asleep. I place her as gently as I can in the cot. As her head touches the cushion CG falls down (I think legitimately) and screams. Her eyes fly open. Now I'm very cross I pull him to his feet and whisper-shout at him. He falls to he floor and kicks and screams. I pick up JB and start bouncing her again. He stands in front of me tears streaming down his a face and crying mommy up. I say I'm sorry I can't pick you up now please just let me put JB to sleep and we can leave. He crys more and I feel terrible so I give in and try to say he can sit on my one knee. So I shift JB into the crook of my left arm and try to pick him up while still on the ball. I can't get hold of him properly so I end up pulling him onto my knee by the back of his trousers. He puts his head on my shoulder and cries. I feel crappy and start to cry myself. I continue to bounce and he calms down and wiggles off my lap. Now I am desperate to get her down and keep him quiet. I think even though I've told him no iPad I wish I had it upstairs now so I could let him play cause I know it'd keep him mostly quiet. But I don't so I start making suggestions like go and find your Duplo motor bike and put a man on it then come and show mommy which man you chose. I say this four or five times and eventually give up. I just let him roll around on the floor moaning. Now JB is asleep again. With tears rolling down my checks I stand up praying please let her stay alseep, please. I put her down and she seems to be asleep. I shush CG and push him out of the room as he starts to moan, he screams but I close the door just in time, I hope. We are now both crying. I pick him up and run to our bedroom so he doesn't wake JB up. Then I realise her monitor is in our bedroom and not on. I tell him please just stay here in mommy's room I need to put the monitor in JB's room. He cries. I give him his airplane and say drive it on the bed till I get back. He cries harder. I say please CG stay here or you'll wake JB. Then he cries louder and I run to JB's room and close the door so I can put her monitor in. Then I go back to our room. He cries and says go down here (go down stairs), which he has been saying since we started this process. I give in and forget about getting dressed and take him down stairs to play. I get out the box of puzzles and take them out, we start playing and JB starts crying. As soon as he hears her he starts crying and saying no no no. I run upstairs while he cries. I sit on the floor in JB's room and rock the cot. I hope if I don't pick her up she'll settle on her own. I put the dummy in again and again. I can hear CG at the bottom of the stairs crying for me. I ignore him. Eventually she seems to go to sleep. I leave and call down the stairs that I'm getting dressed. He moans all the way up the stairs and comes up. He cries and moans to be picked up and I sit on the floor and talk gently to him and try to explain and try to make him feel better. Then I say I'm getting dressed. He cries again. He says go down here again and again. I say as soon as I'm dressed. Finally after lots of crying and head banging and a smack for head banging we start for down stairs and JB wakes again. I give up. I pick her up in one arm and him in the other one and carry them both down the stairs to the play room. Josh gets a puzzle and is happy. She is sleeping on me and is happy. I am exhausted, my back hurts and I'm crying but at least no ones screaming. "

 

This was a breaking point for me. I realised I needed to be honest with my husband about the fact that I was not coping and needed more of his help than I was asking for. I realised that I needed to tell him I was not ok with him leaving me alone every Saturday morning which was when I was exhausted from the week and needed help. I needed to tell him that and not just keep it to myself and end up resenting him. When I finally had a conversation with him about this we opened a dialogue and started working on my feelings of being overwhelmed and left alone. He didn't give up worship team because that was what was feeding his soul and stopping him from falling apart. Instead we found other ways around the issue, like me taking time off during the week so I wasn't so exhausted on the weekend.

 

I also realised I needed to change some of my perfectionist expectation. It was just stupid to spend so much time trying to get my daughter to sleep in her cot when she slept so easily on my body. So I adjusted my expectations of how babies should sleep, bought a wrap and carried her and she slept beautifully and my son got time with just me while she slept. This helped him and lessened his tantrums. I also stopped fighting the TV and iPad as methods of distraction for him and realised they were simply necessary evils at this point in our lives.

All in all this trial was a valuable experience and God taught me a lot through it.

 

 

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A sick day for mom

This weekend I was feeling particularly terrible having succumbed to the kid's stomach bug. In my usual fashion I was being miserable but plodding along without rest. I always feel like I need permission to be really sick from a doctor. Plus I feel far too guilty asking for a sick day and expecting my hubby to take the kids.

However I am trying to be better at looking after myself and I realized that I would never make it through the week unless I rested on Sunday. So I decided to get sick leave from a doctor. I left the note below on our front door for my hubby to find when he returned from church. I thought he'd appreciate the humour. He did and I got a wonderful day in bed to recuperate.

Sorry about the focus but its mostly readable.

Our Birth Plans

A friend asked me if she could take a look at our birth plan/s and it made me think that it might be a good idea to share our birth plans with others. So here are the birth plans for our two children. You'll notice that I was much less of a super hero the second time around. The changes we made to the birth plan for Jelly Bean's birth are small but they show what I learnt about myself and what I could handle and was prepared to handle during labour. Please feel free to copy our birth plan layout and ideas if you'd like.

Our Birth Plan - Curious George

Mother’s Name: Emma Frith Nomvula Povey

Father’s Name: Stephen Michael Povey

Due Date: 7 June 2010

Delivery to take place at: Genesis Clinic

Midwives: Growth Spurt Midwives

Back up Doctor:

Desired type of delivery: Vaginal Water Birth

Our picture of labour and the birth of our baby:

We view the birth of our little one as a precious and miraculous gift from God. We would like to have as natural a birth as possible as we believe that this is best for the baby. I would also like to have the full experience of giving birth and all the sensations that go with it.

Please Note:

This birth plan is intended to express the preferences and desires we have for labour and the birth of our baby. What follows is not intended to be a script but rather a set of guidelines. We understand that situations or circumstances beyond our control may arise which mean that our plan would no longer to preferable in terms of the safety and well being of baby and mother. If this becomes the case we understand that the plan cannot and should not be followed. However, we hope that barring any extenuating circumstances, you will be able to keep us informed and aware of our options so that we can experience the birth we hope for. Thank you.

First Stage of Labour

Early Labour:

We would like to spend as long as possible labouring in our own home. I feel I will be better able to cope with early labour using distractions like taking a walk, watching a movie or having a bath in my own space. We will proceed to the clinic on instruction from the midwives based on communication with the midwives regarding the timing and duration of the contractions.

Active Labour

Environment:

We would like to create a relaxed environment with as little distraction and interruption as possible. As I have a tendency to get stressed out and worry I would like to make this phase of labour as normal as possible by reading, chatting to Stephen, playing cards and listening to music between surges. I believe this will aid in my not becoming too tense about the event and halting my own progress.

Things which will assist in creating this environment:

• Dim Lights
• Our own music
• Candles
• Wearing my own clothes
• As few interruptions and exams as possible
• Limiting the number of people coming in and out of the room to only those necessary.
• Stephen to be present at all times.
• Warm room but not too hot as excessive heat makes me nauseous.
• Constant communication with the midwives regarding the progress and relevant details and expectations of labour.

Mobility:

I would like to be able to move and change position when and if I feel it is necessary or more comfortable. We have been to Tina Otte’s antenatal classes and I have been attending her mommy exercise classes.  Suggestions on positions, postures and movements would be appreciated between surges.

Things to aid in positioning:

• Our own birth ball which we will bring
• A straight backed chair
• My own pillow

Monitoring:

I would prefer to have as few internal exams as possible and would like to have intermittent monitoring of the baby. However having a healthy baby and mother is much more important to us than discomfort or inconvenience. As such we will trust the Growth Spurt midwife’s judgment on how to handle monitoring during our labour and birth experience.

Pain relief:

I would prefer to try and get through the labour without any form of medicated pain relief. However, as this is my first baby and I’m not completely sure what to expect.  I would like to attempt to not use any medicated pain relief during the active birthing stage so as to gain the full benefit of the medicated pain relief during transition and stage 2 labour.  In the event that medicated pain relief is necessary I would like to limit the medicated pain relief to the following types (in ascending order of preference).

• Entanox – Gas
• Pethadine Butterfly – with antidote before second stage
• Epidural – only if I cannot cope at all with the pain. I would really prefer not to have to do this.

Natural Pain relief:

• Relaxation techniques
• Massage
• Wheat bag
• Breathing
• Tens machine – in early part of Active Labour if necessary
• Water

Transition

I would definitely like to be in the water for this period. This is when I may need one of the medicated forms of pain relief.

Stage 2 – Pushing

Position:

We would like to try and give birth in the water. I would appreciate advice on what positions to try in the bath during this stage. I would like to then be able to choose the position that is most comfortable for me.

Episiotomy/Tearing:

I would prefer not to have an episiotomy if I cannot give birth in the water. I understand that they cannot be done if I am in the water and that I may tear. I would prefer to tear rather than have an episiotomy.

Birth of the Baby:

We have had concerns about the length of time the baby is under the water so would appreciate assurance that the baby is OK at this stage until he is brought out of the water. We would like to baby to be able to come straight onto my chest (skin to skin contact) and try to latch on his own. We recognize the importance of the vernix and do not feel the baby needs to be cleaned immediately.

Cutting the cord:

Stephen would like to cut the cord. The length of time before the cord is cut is something we would like to discuss ahead of time.

Photos:

Please take a family photo of us at this stage.

Stage 3 – Delivery of Placenta

We have agreed to an injection of syntocine to assist in the delivery of the placenta. Please give the baby to Stephen at this stage.

Complications

Although we are aiming for as natural a birth as possible we place far more importance on the health and safety of mom and baby. If things start to go wrong or baby is in distress we would like to be informed as soon as possible. Please explain all the options we have at that stage (wait, try something different etc). We will take these and the midwives counsel into account before making any decisions. In the event that I am not able to comprehend or decide on my own please consult Stephen before taking over completely.  We give full medical decision making power to the caregivers in the event of a serious/life threatening complication trusting in their expertise and care for the mother and baby’s physical and emotional well being.

Emergency Caesar:

If we have to have a Caesar we have spoken with Dr Mia about the option of doing a “skin on skin” Caesar. As long as there is no risk to the baby we would like the following:

• Dimmed lights
• Our choice of music

• To have a spinal so that I am conscious for the birth
• To be seated in an inclined position so I can watch the birth
• Stephen to cut the cord.
• The baby to come straight to my chest and any non-emergency procedures to be done with the baby there (APGAR etc).
• To allow the baby to try and latch on his own before he is moved away.
• As much as possible we would request that the attending OBGYN be as gentle and respectful during the procedure (i.e. in the extraction of the baby).

Our Birth Plan 2 - Jelly Bean

Mother’s Name: Emma Frith Nomvula Povey

Father’s Name: Stephen Michael Povey

Due Date: 7 June 2012

Delivery to take place at: Genesis Clinic

Midwives: Growth SpurtMidwives

Back up Doctor: 

Desired type of delivery: Vaginal Water Birth

Our picture of labour and the birth of our baby:

We view the birth of our little one as a precious and miraculous gift from God. We would like to have as natural a birth as possible as we believe that this is best for the baby.

Please Note:

This birth plan is intended to express the preferences and desires we have for labour and the birth of our baby. What follows is not intended to be a script but rather a set of guidelines. We understand that situations or circumstances beyond our control may arise which mean that our plan would no longer to preferable in terms of the safety and well being of baby and mother. If this becomes the case we understand that the plan cannot and should not be followed. However, we hope that barring any extenuating circumstances, you will be able to keep us informed and aware of our options so that we can experience the birth we hope for. Thank you.

First Stage of Labour

Early Labour:

We would like to spend a short time labouring in our own home, as the last birth proceeded very quickly. As we now have a toddler and are renovating our home I feel I will be calmer and less distracted at Genesis. I am happy to labour at home until the contractions become regular or intense enough to warrant a trip to the clinic. I would prefer to be told that it is too early and to go home rather than rush.  We will proceed to the clinic on instruction from the midwives based on communication with the midwives regarding the timing and duration of the contractions.

Active Labour

Environment:

We would like to create a relaxed environment with as little distraction and interruption as possible. This phase was short to non-existent with the birth of our son so please be prepared. As I have a tendency to get stressed out and worry I would like to make this phase of labour as normal as possible by reading, chatting to Stephen, playing cards and listening to music between surges. I believe this will aid in my not becoming too tense about the event and halting my own progress.

Things which will assist in creating this environment:

• Dim Lights
• Our own music
• Candles
• Wearing my own clothes
• As few interruptions and exams as possible
• Limiting the number of people coming in and out of the room to only those necessary.
• Stephen to be present at all times.
• Warm room but not too hot as excessive heat makes me nauseous.
• Constant communication with the midwives regarding the progress and relevant details and expectations of labour.

Mobility:

I would like to be able to move and change position when and if I feel it is necessary or more comfortable. I would greatly appreciate suggestions on positions, postures and movements would be appreciated between surges. Please be aware that my lower back and left leg have been giving me problems throughout my pregnancy and that some positions (like squatting) may not bring relief.

Things to aid in positioning:

• A birth ball (happy to use one from Genesis) if requested
• A straight backed chair
• My own pillow
• Walking and standing with something/one to lean on.

Monitoring:

I would prefer to have as few internal exams as possible and would like to have intermittent monitoring of the baby. However having a healthy baby and mother is much more important to us than discomfort or inconvenience. As such we will trust the Growth Spurt midwife’s judgment on how to handle monitoring during our labour and birth experience.

Pain relief:

I would prefer to try and get through the labour with minimal forms of medicated pain relief. My first labour was medication free however I feel I would manage better mentally with less pain this time around. If there was less pain I feel I could be more focused. When I ask for medicated pain relief I would like to limit the medicated pain relief to the following types (in ascending order of preference).

• Entanox – Gas (please have this on standby as I will probably ask for it)
• Pethadine Butterfly – with antidote before second stage
• Epidural – only if I cannot cope at all with the pain. As a last resort.  

Natural Pain relief:

• Relaxation techniques (I am not very good at this please assist if and where possible)
• Massage
• Stroking hands and back
• Wheat bag
• Breathing
• Tens machine – in early part of Active Labour if necessary
• Water

Transition

I would definitely like to be in the water for this period. During my previous labour I felt that the bath was not ready in time. There was undisolved salt which dug into my knees distracting me. I did not have time to get used to the bath and position myself properly between surges because I got in so late. I would like the bath to be ready and perhaps even be in the bath before this time. Please have towels on standby to put under my knees.

Last time my water did not break on its own. Please advise me on the procedure now so I am aware of what is happening if it occurs again.

Stage 2 – Pushing

Position:

We would like to try and give birth in the water. I would appreciate advice on what positions to try in the bath during this stage. Last time I felt alone and isolated in the bath because it was hard for people to reach me as the baths are quite deep.  I would like to have Stephen in the bath with me at this time. His physical support was very important to the delivery last time.  I would like to then be able to choose the position that is most comfortable for me.

If the bath is not working for me I would then like to move to the birthing stool with Stephen sitting behind me.

Episiotomy/Tearing:

I would prefer not to have an episiotomy if I cannot give birth in the water. I understand that they cannot be done if I am in the water and that I may tear. I would prefer to tear rather than have an episiotomy. Last time I had a second degree tear which was horribly painful but healed well.

Birth of the Baby:

We have had concerns about the length of time the baby is under the water so would appreciate assurance that the baby is OK at this stage until she is brought out of the water. We would like to baby to be able to come straight onto my chest (skin to skin contact) and try to latch on her own. We recognize the importance of the vernix and do not feel the baby needs to be cleaned immediately.

Cutting the cord:

The length of time before the cord is cut is something we would like to discuss ahead of time. We would prefer that the midwives cut the cord at the correct time.

Photos:

Please take a family photo of us at this stage. We really liked the fact that the doula took photos last time throughout the birth.

Stage 3 – Delivery of Placenta

We have agreed to an injection of syntocine to assist in the delivery of the placenta. Please give the baby to Stephen at this stage.

Complications

Although we are aiming for as natural a birth as possible we place far more importance on the health and safety of mom and baby. If things start to go wrong or baby is in distress we would like to be informed as soon as possible. Please explain all the options we have at that stage (wait, try something different etc). We will take these and the midwives counsel into account before making any decisions. In the event that I am not able to comprehend or decide on my own please consult Stephen before taking over completely.  We give full medical decision making power to the caregivers in the event of a serious/life threatening complication trusting in their expertise and care for the mother and baby’s physical and emotional well being.

Emergency Caesar:

If we have to have a Caesar we have spoken with Dr Mia about the option of doing a “skin on skin” Caesar. As long as there is no risk to the baby we would like the following:

• Dimmed lights
• Our choice of music

• To have a spinal so that I am conscious for the birth
• To be seated in an inclined position so I can watch the birth
• Stephen to cut the cord.
• The baby to come straight to my chest and any non-emergency procedures to be done with the baby there (APGAR etc).
• To allow the baby to try and latch on her own before she is moved away.
• As much as possible we would request that the attending OBGYN be as gentle and respectful during the procedure (i.e. in the extraction of the baby).