Be Prepared - what we are doing in our season of waiting.

Our family is emigrating, and we have been waiting on VISAs for what feels like forever. The 12 weeks they originally quoted us have come and gone and we are still here, waiting. My husband has a job in the UK already. Luckily, they are allowing him to work remotely from here until we are able to leave. But each day gets more difficult, the situation of working there but living here more tenuous. This week I have felt particularly stuck, not moving forward but not able to go back to how life was. Living in limbo is a really terrible place. Nothing is certain and the children are taking strain as their lives seem to just float around them with no substance. So, the question is how do you live in limbo? A place when you are neither here nor there. In that place of transition. Like the Israelites in the desert on the way to the place God has called you to but not there yet. Well, its not easy and I certainly don’t have all the answers.

 

I have been reading a book by Craig Cooney called The Tension of Transition. It has been incredibly helpful in this season of our lives. In the piece I read today Craig wrote that God tends to speak in sentences and not paragraphs. God knows that giving us the whole picture of our futures would be total overwhelming and so he gives us our instructions one step at a time. So today I prayed, ‘Lord what is the next step you want us to take.’ And I got one word in response – PREPARE. Suddenly Scar (from the Lion King) is standing on top of a rock singing ‘Be prepared’ inside my mind’s eye. Jokes aside I really am not sure what we are supposed to be doing to PREPARE. We have filled in all the paperwork, submitted all the documents, lined up a moving company, found my mom a place to live, left our schools and our jobs. Really, what else am I supposed to do to be ready God?

 

Well through Craig’s book I have come to understand that God used the Israelites’ time in the desert to bring them from slavery to freedom and to teach them how to be his people. He was preparing then for life in the promised land. With that in mind I prayed and asked God what he thinks we need to do to PREPARE for this next season of our lives. Here are some of the things he has asked me to do, perhaps this list (although certainly not exhaustive) might help you to as you wait in that in-between place.

 

·         Say goodbye. Not just a last wave as you get onto the plane but a proper honouring goodbye. Tell the people and places you are leaving behind how much you love them, honour them for what they have done and meant to you. Thank them. Write letters or sit together as a family and discuss this kind of goodbye together. Recently we sat together and said a proper goodbye to our house before we sold it. We honoured it for protecting us and keeping us warm. We reminisced about our happy memories inside it and we thanked it for being our place of safety. It sounds weird but without this type of goodbye moving on is really hard.

·         Allow space for mourning. Sometimes during a transition like moving countries it can be hard to find space or energy to mourn the things you are loosing. Perhaps like us you are trying your best to be upbeat for your kids who are already feeling down. Mourning is the last thing you want to get into. But its important. If you don’t admit to yourself that you are loosing things and people then those feelings of loss will follow you into your new space and make you sad and depressed there. Working through our feelings can be hard but bottling them up can be even harder.

·         Pray through it. Never stop praying. Even when you feel like you are praying the same thing over and over again. God hears you but He also knows his timing is perfect. Pray for all the small things, the things you need each day to keep you going not just the big things like getting your VISA. We created a prayer wall in our house where we write all our prayers out and we update it from time to time with answers to prayer and any new prayer requests we might have.

·         Work with your kids on their personal struggles. These are things that have really come to light due to the transition you find yourself in. During this time, it has become more apparent just how much my children fall into the trap of worrying. So, we are using this time to talk about worry and how God sees it. We are also reading a book called Outsmarting Worry by Dawn Huebner. We are also working on having a Growth Mindset using a book called Growth Mindset Workbook for kids by Peyton Curly.

·         We have also used this time to become closer as a nuclear family. We will know almost no one when we get to where we are going, and we will need to learn to rely on each other and be able to depend on each other. So, we have been going bowling, playing board games, having movie nights and creating other family traditions that make us a closer knit family.

·         Learn about the place you are going to. Use this time of transition to learn about the country you are going to. We have watched documentaries about the history of the UK. We have learnt about how their money works. We have used google maps to look at the place we will be staying, at where the shops are, where the parks are and where the schools we might attend are. We also ordered a large fold out map so we could see where things are in relation to one another.

·         Take time for yourself. Living in limbo is terribly stressful so don’t forget to practice some self-care. Here are some ideas for mom’s I wrote about a while ago.

·         Keep your marriage strong. Times like this can be very taxing on a marriage. So make sure to take a date night here and there and ban each other from speaking about the move. Talk and plan together, share your feelings and be honest.

·         Last but most certainly not least; read your bible. It is incredible what a comfort the word of God can be in a season like this.  

How we celebrate Valentine's day as a family

This weekend was Valentine's Day, a day which has been completely over commercialised. On Valentine's Day a meal costs twice as much as any other day and don't even try to order roses unless you've got money like Donald Trump. My hubby has also been totally irritated by the commercialism of the day but I have always insisted on celebrating it. However in recent years, with the craziness of kids, it has become less important to me to be romanced on Valentine's Day.
So we decided to include the kids in the Valentine's celebrations. Now we all spread the love and make each other feel special and we've brought some fun back to the day. We also have a new name for it, after all who really wants to celebrate a person's torture and beheading. So now the kids have taken it upon themselves to call it Love Day, all thanks must go to Daniel Tiger and PBS for this idea.
So just in case you're looking for something a little more meaningful to do next year, here's what we did for Love Day.

We cut out hearts - ok mommy cut out most of the hearts but this year CG did his own cutting. Each person, kids included, wrote a message for each family member saying what they love about them. We sat and read them all together in the morning. Of course everybody got the obligatory chocolate heart as well. Then in the afternoon we had a Love Day picnic, complete with heart balloons. At the picnic we read some books about love and just enjoyed each other's company.
All in all we had a great Love Day as a family. Best of all we weren't broke by the end of it and everyone felt extra special.

No Bullies!

We have been having a lot of trouble in our house with kids hitting kids. Ok so let's be honest it's not just hitting. It's hitting and ....... kicking, biting, sitting on, standing on and just generally trying to hurt each other. It's been driving me batty.

The poster CG made. With two people punching

I've tried time outs and taking away TV and of course shouting. So far no deterrent has worked. So eventually I just thought 'ok I give up'. Then after I had spent some time feeling sorry for myself I decided I needed some more tools in my parenting toolbox. The ones I had just weren't cutting it.
So I took Siblings without Rivalry off the bookshelf and started to read. At the same time I started to ask friends for advice on how they deal with the general nastiness that sibling relationships can deteriorate into. With the help of these two resources here's what I did.
1: Call a family meeting.
2: We discussed what a bully was. Then we discussed what a bully might do. This conversation was inspired by a post I saw on FB called Is it Bullying.
3: I asked the kids to give me examples of times they had been bullied and to tell me what they had done in return.
4: Then I got then to describe time when they were angry and what they did to the person who made them mad. Both said they would never hit someone. 'That's not right mom' I was told.

5: 'So' I said 'neither of you are a bully at your school?'
'Noooo' they chorused.
6: 'Ok that's great, well done. Are you guys bullies at home.'
They both looked a little taken aback and JB immediately got an impish smile and said 'No'. CG looked sheepish and said, very slowly, 'yes'.
7: 'Oh dear guys, I think you are definitely bullies at home. Is that a good thing?'
8: Once we had all agreed that we needed to stop being bullies at home to the people we love we moved onto what the consequence should be for hurting each other.
9: After a few overzealous ideas from CG it was decided that an immediate time out without a warning would be the punishment.
10: It was also decided that we needed to have some posters up to remind us all about our 'House Rules'.
11: We also decided (with some mom prompting) to make No Bullies posters for the house.

After all of this I am happy to report that the incidences of physical fighting have gone down. They are still at the stage of yelling 'No Bullies' at each other anytime things look like they might get physical. We have had a couple of time outs and even Mr E (2mnths) has had his turn in the quiet corner. It's definitely not a fool proof solution but at least I am shouting less and there are less hurts and tears.
I will try to keep you updated on how long it lasts.

Saving money at Christmas

A friend of mine was writing an article on budgeting at Chrismas. She asked for some ideas on what you could do to save money this Christmas. At first I thought I have nothing to contribute but after some thought I realized I actually do a lot of things to save money during the Christmas season but they have become so normal that I don't realise I am doing them. So I thought I would share the ideas on my blog just in case I can help some other families out at this crazy and expensive time of year.

1. I try to buy presents before the December paycheck. I don't want to do it too early otherwise everyone (especially kids) change their minds on what they like. So I usually start in October some time. This splits the cost of presents over multiple pay checks.
2. I Buy gifts at the Christmas markets and fetes, which are abundant, in late October and November. Things are often cheaper at markets and fetes. You also have the added bonus of finding one of a kind things that are homemade and interesting
3. I buy second hand. People probably think that its rude to give something second hand however I see things differently. You can often find items that are almost new at fetes. This is great for kids, who don't really care as long as the items is cool. You can also find old or vintage things which you would not be able to find in the shops. I also upcycle or remake things for people that I find second hand. The added bonus of buying second hand is that you are supporting a charity rather than adding to the bottom line of a big corporation.
4. I buy items online when they are on sale. I subscribe to emails from Takealot, superbalist and groupon and when there is a good special on something for someone I know I will be buying a gift for, I will buy it and keep it in my gift box.
5. Decide ahead of time on a gift price limit. This is essential in my family where there is a big extended family to give gifts to.
6. We have a large extended family and so sometimes we do secrect Santa with them. Each person gets assigned one other person to give a gift to. That way each person only buys one present. We also put price limits on these gifts so it's fair.
7. I do everything in my power not to shop in December. Shops often push up their prices in December and there are fewer sales.
8. In the past I have made gifts for people. I say in the past because with three kids it is very difficult. If I want to do any 'making' I have to plan it far in advance. However I have discovered that you can also 'make' gifts by getting someone else to do the making. For example you can create a mug or calendar with kids photos for grandparents, it through a printing company. I also get my kids to draw cards and decorate large pieces of newsprint which we use as wrapping paper. Family members love that.
9. Wrap your gifts in plain brown paper with an interesting twine or some washi tape as decoration. I also look around for cheap christmas decorations and use them as toppers. In the past I have never used sugar sticks and hot chocolate spoons.
10. Bring and share celebration meals. Whenever we have Christams meals each family gets designated an item/s to bring for the meal. That way no one family bears the financial burden of feeding the whole brood.
11. Have a staycation. JHB is awesome during December because its so quiet and everyone else is away. The weather is great as well. We stay home and do all the touristy things we never get to do during the year.
12. I have a number of store loyalty cards which allow you to earn points for very Rand you spend. These points can be used to pay for things in the store. I save all my points till December or January to spend on shopping when money is tight. 

Advice from Midwives on how to care for a New Born and their mommy.

A scene from a wonderful TV series called 'Call the Midwife'

I had both my babies at an Active Birthing Unit and the births were Midwife assisted births. I was with a wonderful, experienced and knowledgeable set of midwives. Before I took my babies home they gave me a very helpful set of notes and advice that they had put together on new born babies, without which I would have been quite lost. The notes were so helpful that I thought it would be a good idea to share them with others. Below are the exact notes as copied from the pamphlet my midwives gave me. The notes in orange are my two cents worth.  

Feeding.

We suggest you demand feed your baby – i.e. feed the baby when it is hungry. This usually means every 2 to 3 hrs counting from the start of the feed to the start of the next feed. I found that it was more important to simply feed my babies whenever they were hungry in the first couple of weeks. The best advice I got was from my GP who reminded me that you cannot spoil a baby in the first three months. Feeding on demand during this time also makes sure you build up your milk supply according to your baby’s needs.

BUT:

• You should determine whether the baby is hungry or actually needs comfort. Too much comfort sucking on a breast compromises the nipple and very few mothers manage to continue breastfeeding if their nipples are cracked and bleeding. I found Lansinoh nipple cream worked the best.
• You should aim to have baby sleeping for at least an hour before feeding again. If baby commences a feed after a poor sleep, then it won’t have enough energy to complete the feed. It will fall asleep on the breast, but wake soon afterwards because it didn’t feed well. This starts a “snack-napping” mode that is negative.
• You need to have made the maximum effort to provide a complete feed at the previous feeding session. A complete feed is important to prevent “snack-napping”

Follow these guidelines for a complete feed:

Do a 3-course meal (hors d’oeuvre/main meal/pudding). Feed, burp, feed, burp, change nappy and wash hands, feed again. I found this worked well in the first few days with the colostrum but once my milk came in Curious George only fed once from each side and Jelly bean fed from one or two sides depending on how she felt.

If you follow this process you will drain both breasts well, baby will not get too frustrated during the nappy change, and there will be less chance of winds becoming trapped in baby’s intestines.

There are times that babies ‘cluster feed’ i.e. they feed frequent sessions in the space of a couple of hours, but these babies FEED whilst on the breast they don’t dummy suck. Both my babies cluster fed towards the end of the day. This is how to tell the difference: all babies will start a feeding session with quick sucking movements and short rests. They then progress to quick, quick; long pumping action; swallow; rest.

A little trick they taught me to help baby latch properly it the bottom lip pop. When your baby latches pull down gently on their chin with your finger to make their bottom lip popover the outside of the nipple. If you are still struggling you can put your finger tip on their bottom lip and pop it out as well.

As the feeding progresses they do more quick sucks, less longer sessions of pumping and definitive longer rest periods. Please wake your baby up (move arms, tickle cheek, push baby’s back towards your chest) Jelly Bean was terrible at falling asleep in the first two weeks, sometimes I even had to undress her to keep her awake. Don’t let baby fall asleep because he/she will wake again in an hour to complete the feed! This is particularly important for night feeds – too many parents don’t persevere with a three course meal (they themselves are too tired) and a snowball effect of poor sleeps and poor feeds follows.

If your baby has fed well during the day and you are not concerned about any signs of compromise (e.g. a baby less than 2.5kgs), then you can let baby skip a feed at night. Just set the alarm clock to wake you 6 hours after starting the previous feed. Either the alarm or your baby will wake you – don’t lie awake listening to your baby’s grunts and groans.

Please remember that this advice is a guideline: some babies are content to feed from one breast at a time and then manage to sleep until the next feed. Do not clock watch your feeds: watch how your baby sucks and encourage it to take a full feed.

My only other note on breast feeding is that just when you think you know what their pattern is they will change it. The only certainty is change. 

Burping

You will need to hold your baby in such a way that simultaneously:

• you put pressure on baby’s stomach (just beneath the ribs)
• you put pressure on the baby’s lower spine so that it’s body straightens out and untraps air from the J-shaped stomach
• you make a V with your thumb and forefinger to support baby’s jaw (not baby’s neck as you will throttle the child)
• 
  

Another tip we found was that if there seems to be a stuck wind it helps to lay the baby flat for a minute and then pick them up again. This seems to displace the bubble.

Magphos tissue salts work wonderfully in helping winds come up more easily (better than telemant drops). Just crush the tablet and give baby a quarter of a tab dissolved in milk (breast or formula) before the feed.  

Baby’s Appearance

Sneezing and hiccups are normal and not signs of illness. A baby can also have pink/orange discharge in the urine called urates and these can continue till baby is 6 weeks old. Little girls can have a slightly bloody vaginal discharge due to normal hormonal changes. 

Cord Care

The quickest way for the cord to fall off is to do nothing to it. But it falls off by means of a rotting process and this can look scary especially to medical people, so they choose to use surgical spirits, which dries the cord but prolongs the process, as well as causing burning of the healthy skin around the umbilical cord. 

We advise Herbaforce Graze and weeping wound powder – sprinkle it under (at the base of) the cord stump until it falls off. Then continue using the powder because a scab will form in the open wound. It may bleed occasionally and this is normal. Be careful not to disturb the scab (with vigorous cleaning) otherwise the healing process will be delayed. The scab should come off after 3-4 days and leave a relatively well-healed belly button.

We used the Herbaforce powder with both our babies and it worked wonders. Jelly Bean’s actually fell off in less than a week. Basically you just need to move the stump to the side and powder the base, you do this all the way around.

Swaddling

Babies can be very unsettled in their arms are not kept close to their bodies, so if you are trying to encourage your baby to slow down and to sleep deeply then consider swaddling them. This is especially important at night because it promotes a deeper sleep for baby. During the day many babies cope without being swaddled but if you notice your baby doesn’t stretch further than a 45min sleep (when the deep sleep cycle ends) then consider using a swaddling technique.

Swaddling helped both my babies sleep. If you can keep it up (my son loved it) it also helps at that irritating stage where their arms ‘come alive’ and flail about waking them up.

Sleep Position

The recommend sleep position for your baby is on its back. If you have swaddled your baby then consider lying your baby on its side so that milk can dribble out of the mouth without choking them. Baby will automatically turn its head to the side if it is lying on its back but swaddling can immobilise the neck. It is vitally important that you prevent your baby from turning onto its stomach so please place a wedge/blanket against baby’s tummy. A wedge against baby’s back is not wrong but the important wedge is the one against baby’s tummy.

Sun tanning.

To minimise the incidence of neonatal jaundice, prevent nappy rash and provide baby with the vit D that it needs, we suggest you suntan your baby until it is 5 or 6 days old. 

Method: Undress baby completely but use an open nappy under the baby. Most parents worry baby will be cold. The danger is actually that baby will overheat or burn. Also warming a baby up is easier than treating jaundice. 

At 8h00 and 16h00: sit on a chair with the sun behind you so that when you lay baby on your lap (along the length of your legs) the sun will shine on its baby but its face will be shaded by your body. Suntan for 5min, then turn your baby around and suntan for another 5min. Sun tanning behind a window is not effective and is dangerous because mainly the infrared waves come through (which cause sunburn) and baby needs the UV light. 

This seems crazy for winter babies but it saved my two from going under the lights.

Cabbage Leaves

Please ask one of your family members/ friends to buy a large green cabbage and put it in your fridge at home. You will probably need the cabbage the third night after the birth which is when your milk ‘comes in’. At that stage your breast can become very full, hard, hot and uncomfortable and you may have difficulty latching your baby. You should peel a leaf off the cabbage, eat out the hard stem and place the leaf over your breast. Before you do that cut a hole to allow space for your nipple to protrude through.

There is an enzyme in the cabbage that reduces tissue swelling. It really makes a big different to breast that may become engorged (the milk stops flowing). Please wear the leaf from the end of one feed to the beginning of the next feed. 

This sounds crazy but works amazingly well. I also used Lansinoh gel pads which I kept in the fridge and wore at night under my cabbage leaves.

Salt Baths and Pours

It is important to promote cleanliness and healing of the vaginal and perineal areas. You should have a salt bath twice a day. Place a handful of salt in just enough water to cover your buttocks. Soak for 10min. More importantly, every time you pass urine you should pour salt water over the vulva. This is more effective that salt baths because the water reaches more mucus membranes and because you will do it more often than bathing. Prepare a jug or squeeze bottle with a small palm full of salt and place in your bathroom.

When I had Curious George I had a very bad tear and struggled to sit in a bath for the first few days. The midwives came up with an ingenious plan which was to put a clean plastic garden chair in the show and fill the hollow of the seat with salt and warm water. This worked very well.

Vaginal Bleeding (Lochia)

Your vaginal bleeding will be heavy for the first 24 hours, then it will decrease in quantity till you have just spotting. Then at 2 weeks, 4 weeks and 6 weeks the whole process will repeat itself but the bleeding should not be as heavy as during the first 24 hours. You may witness large clots (some times as large as the palm of your hand) that look like pieces of liver – this is normal. 

Baby’s Weight

Babies can lose up to 10% of their birth weight in the first 3 days of life. Baby should be back at birth weight when it is 10 -14 days old. Thereafter baby should gain a minimum of 150g per week. We suggest that you visit a baby clinic each week for the first 6 weeks and every month their after to keep track of baby’s growth.

The Elves and Shoe Buyer - how to shop for shoes for your toddler without your toddler

My sensory sensitive son who moaned for a week about a daisy bush I cut down (he's not a fan of change) had a pair of shoes he absolutely loved. He called them his running shoes. They were a pair of simple black slip ons we bought at Walmart in the States. They weren't great shoes to begin with but the more he wore them, basically everyday, the more apparent their flaws became.

They did not support his growing feet very well and before long I realised that his feet were rolling in. This was apparent when you looked at the wear on the soles. Then the toes became worn and finally they became too tight but he continued to wear them obsessively. No other shoe option would do. I was worried that they would actually begin to damage his forming feet and legs.

The natorious running shoes from Walmart

I kept trying to push another pair of takkies he had on him but he would have none of it. Every time he wore them he told me they were too tight and too hard. Finally I realised we would have to buy some new shoes. However I was dreading shopping for shoes with my little darling.

Last time we shopped for shoes together it ended in tears for both of us, buying the very first pair of shoes we tried, fighting over the appropriateness of Ben Ten flip flops in size 5 and shoplifting a pair of shoes he put in the bottom of the pram when I wasn't looking. So you can imagine my hesitation. We did return the shop-liffted shoes later and he had to apologise to the lady at the returns counter.

With all this in mind I thought up a strategy to get rid of the running shoes once and for all and to buy a new pair of shoes without my son in tow. First I drew around his feet on a piece of cardboard and cut the feet shapes out. Then off to Woolies I went, solo, to find some podiatrist approved shoes. Something that was soft and adjustable but with good support so his feet don't roll.

At the shop I simply took out my feet cut outs and fitted them into the shoes to find the right size. I looked for shoes that fit the criteria and found the ones in the photo. They were pricey but cheaper than corrective physio and specialised inner souls when he's a teenager.

That night while he was sleeping I crept in and disappeared the old runny shoes. Then tied some sparkly tinsel to the new shoes wrote a little note from the shoe elves and filled the shoes with jelly beans to sweeten the deal. I put the shoes outside his door for him to find in the morning.

The note said: Dear Joshua We noticed that your running shoes were too small so we made you some new ones. Love the Shoe Elves

The new shoes were adopted with great enthusiasm and the old shoes have not been asked for again.

Easter Activities - adding new meaning

This year I decdied that I wanted to place more emphasis on Easter than I have in past years. Curious George is almost 3 and so I felt he could take in more information about the incredible gift we were given by God at Easter. There is a lot of hype around Christmas whereas Easter often seems to decend on me on Good Friday and then the season last only three days. Without Jesus' death on the cross we as Christrians would have nothing. When you think about it that way it really is the most important 'holiday' in the Christian calendar. I also read a great article by Mark Driscoll called What we tell our kids about the Easter Bunny, which inspired me.

With all this in mind I decided to start a Pinterest board and collect some ideas to make Easter a little more special for my son than just the loads of chocolate on Easter Sunday. There are some really amazing ideas out there and here are the ones I chose to do with my family during Holy Week. As Curious George was on holiday I decided to try and do one special activity a day.

Toddler Resurecttion Eggs

I made a toddler version of Resurrection Eggs which I adapted slightly from an idea I found here on the Motherhood on a Dime blog.We don't have an abundance of plastic eggs in South Africa but I found clear plastic eggs at Westpack and then Modge Podged serviette paper onto them. I used an clear egg box from those white eggs you get at Easter. I also printed the poem and stuck it to the inside of the lid. I added a cross necklace instead of a paper cross because CG loves to wear things and I added a hollow chocolate egg for Easter Sunday because I wanted to talk to him about why we have hollow Easter eggs.

Each night at dinner we opened an egg and read the corresponding line of the poem then we talked a bit about it. It really helped him to grasp some of the concepts of God's love for us.

Easter Garden

We made an Easter garden which is a tradition in my family. This year I decided to make it at the beginning of the week, with CG's help, so that we could enjoy it all week. An Easter Garden is a tableau of the Tomb and the hill with the three crosses. This year we rolled the boulder over the entrance to the tomb on Good Friday and opened it on Easter Sunday to reveal the grave was empty and only the grave clothes (a ribbon) remained.

Easter Bunny Cupcakes

As I am not against the fun commercial side of Easter we made Easter bunny cupcakes one day.

Easter Movie

On Good Friday we went to church and then came home and watched the Easter movie we had bought for CG. There were not a lot of choices for Easter movies in South Africa but we chose the Lion of Judah. Honestly the animation is really bad and the story is not fantastic either but it seemed to get the point across to CG so that's all that matters.

Easter Hats

I had asked all our family to wear an Easter hat for Sunday lunch so on Saturday we made hats. Here are ours and here are the ones the grandparents came up with.

Resurrection Rolls

After lunch on Sunday we made Resurrection Rolls. I used the recipe I found here. As we don't have Pillsbury Crescent dough I used plain old frozen short crust pastry. They didn't taste wonderful because the pastry was hard but they amazed the children and got the point across. In fact when CG was asked where the Jesus marshmallow had gone he said "he is risen deed" (he is risen indeed), which is the response to our Easter Sunday greeting - The Lord is Risen, He is Risen Indeed.

There are so many lovely photos of us making these that I think I will put them in a separate post.

All in all we had a wonderfully meaningful Holy week and I really feel that my little one had a better understanding of the awesome gift that we were given.