Gentle toddler discipline

With all the upheaval of our renovation, a new sister and turning the terrible two our mostly complaint Bruce Banner has recently become The Hulk. As you can imagine this was quite a rude awakening for two parents who had basically only had to say "No don't" to get co-operation in the past. Now most days include anger/jealousy meltdowns, constant moaning, crying when we don't get our way and many of the other toddler greatest hits.

I decided that we were in desperate need of some help so I enlisted the help and advice of our friend who is a child pshycologist. She sent me an email about a talk happening at Ladybird Corner by a psyhcologist friend of hers, Samantha Leader. The topic - Gentle Toddler Discipline - what an answer to prayer (I had prayed for God's help just that morning). I attended the talk and it was so good I wanted to share some of the principles with you. Please understand that this is just an overview of the talk and not a detailed how-to on toddler discipline. If you need more detailed info please feel free to Google some of principles by name.

The talk opened with two statements that have stuck with me:

If we are to 'conquer' the toddler we must think like a toddler

• We need to have an understanding of what developmental milestones they are going through and consider what developmental stage they are in along with having a knowledge of what the common toddler behaviours are. Look at the theory's of Piaget and Erikson

Toddlerhood can be compared to adolescence.

• Now I don't remember being a toddler but I definitely remember being a teenager. I also remember what it was like living in a house with a teenage sibling. The emotional angst that we feel as teenagers as we try to discover who we are and try to forge our own place in the world as separate entities from our parents is comparable to what toddlers (on a lesser scale with less hormones) are going through.  This comparison has really helped me to have more patience with my toddler and his mood swings. 

Samantha showed the two images below which I just loved. 

How true this is.

The whole talk centred around an approach which would help the toddler to deal with  and name their feelings. Toddlers are only just getting to know themselves and they have no frame of reference for their emotional state of being. It is the overwhelming nature of these new emotions which cause many of the problem behaviours we see in toddlers. It is our job as parents to help them understand and name these feelings and to guide them to correct choices and behaviours as they bounce along on their journey of self discovery. If you've noticed that all of a sudden your toddler has suddenly started referring to themselves as me or I and has started saying things like "it's mine" then the voyage on the sea of individualism has begun.

Along with other things Samantha shared the ACT model for dealing toddlers with us. She said that this needs to become the modus operandi in your home if it is to work. You need to be consistent (as with all discipline) and this should then curb the number of meltdowns your toddler experiences. We have tried this with great success in our own home so I can tell you that it does work.  

ACT Model

1. Acknowledge the feeling.
2. Communicate the limit.
3. Target an alternative. 

1. Acknowledge the feeling by becoming attune to your child's emotional state. Encourage the labelling of all emotions, good and bad. For young toddlers stick to a simple set of emotions like happy, sad, mad, glad and add emotions as their emotional vocabulary broadens.  Reflect the feeling and acknowledge it with empathy. There are no bad feelings only incorrect responses. I have been working on this with Curious George so look out for a post coming soon on ideas of how to teach emotions and create an emotional vocabulary for your child.

2. Communicate the limit which you have decided on ahead of time.  When deciding on what limits you will set in your home consider the following things:

• is it necessary
• can you enforce it consistently
• if you don't set this limit can you consistently allow this behaviour to continue

3. Target an alternative by suggesting something else the toddler might do or a way they might behave that is acceptable. For young children give only 1 or 2 alternative and as they get older, 3 or 4 years old, you can give them more alternatives. 

Remember to:

• focus on the do's and not the don'ts.
• separate the deed from the child
• keep your instructions short and at the child's level of understanding
• give only one instruction at a time
• lead by example by naming and acknowledging your own feelings
• be consistent.

Remember that a toddler tantrum is usually an overflow of emotions. Sometime toddlers literally cannot contain their emotions any longer. If we can understand this then dealing with that meltdown in the supermarket might be easier,  but no less embarrassing, to deal with. Keep following me on my journey towards discipline as I post more ideas (feeling games) and thoughts on growing a great child of God and a responsible member of society

A book that I have found very helpful with getting to grips with naming emotions is How to talk so your kids will Listen and Listen so your kids will talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish