Because I need you to understand...... a letter about the hard times

Last year when my daughter was about three months old and I was really struggling with having two small children (not there aren't days when I struggle now - they are just further apart) I had a terrible Saturday morning with when my husband was out having a worship team practice. I was trying, and had been trying for some time, to get my daughter to sleep in her cot and I was exhausted and my son was unhappy with this new baby who took mommy's time and generally things were not going well. I was feeling resentful that my husband got to go out and do things while I was stuck at home. I felt that he didn't truly appreciate what it was like for me and more than anything I was desperate for his sympathy, empathy and for him to acknowledge how tough it really was looking after these two needy individuals all on my own.

 

That morning in my desperation and frustration I wrote him a letter. I never gave it to him because I knew that it would not have been helpful at the time and I knew he was trying his best to support me even though he himself was beyond worn out. When you are both giving all your energy to two small people there just isn't much energy left to support each other. Things have gotten easier and we have realised the importance of supporting each other as well as the kids.

 

I wanted to share this letter because I thought it might give those on the outside some insight into the really tough times of motherhood. I thought it might also strike a cord with mothers and help you to realise you are not alone in the hard times, we are all just doing our best to survive. If you are feeling like no one understands you please tell them, explain it to them in detail, send them this link, but don't let the resentment fester and turn into a hole in your relationship. No one wins when that happens, I know.

So at the risk of bearing too much if my soul, here goes (please excuse the lack of punctuation it was written stream-of-consciousness style):

"Because I need you to understand here is what the last half hour has looked like for me.

After 2hrs of tv I told Curious George no more. He screamed and woke Jelly Bean who was sleeping on my lap. I am desperate to get dressed and put her down. My back is aching from carrying her the whole of yesterday. I just need a moment of carrying only my own weight. I tell CG I am going to get dressed. He says no and indicates I must play with him in the playroom. I say I will as soon as I'm dressed. The only way I can see to get dressed will be to put JB down in her cot she's too tired to be awake. So I go to her room and bounce her on the ball. CG stands at the bottom of the stairs and calls mom mommom mom. I go and get the cd player from his room to drown out his noise. I ignore him in the hopes he will calm down and come upstairs on his own. I continue to bounce JB who is wide awake now. CG comes up stairs shouting all the way. He comes to the door and moans and I tell him to come in because I know he will start cring next. As he comes in I say sssh mommy's putting JB to sleep. He says sssh and I think he's gonna co-operate. He wonders around the room and I can see he's trying to be quiet but he keeps blasting out words and I keep saying ssh CG you need to be quiet, the more noise you make the longer it takes mommy to put JB to sleep. I say find a book to read he says no. I say go and find a book in your room he says no. Then he finds the lady bug light and switches that on. He gets all excited and shouts and JB opens her eyes again. I say ssh quietly or you'll have to go out. That upsets him and he throws himself on the floor and says go bom loudly. I say shh. He wanders over to her draws muttering to himself and opens the draws. He finds the little ipod speaker and brings it to me. I say thank you and put it next to me. He picks it up and throws it. I say its not a toy CG leave it alone. He moans again and I say be quiet or you'll have to go out. I say do you want to play the straw game. He finally says yes and fetches if from the draw. He gives it to me and I empty it out all the while still trying to bounce JB on the Pilates ball. He plays for a while and I focus on Ella whose eyes are finally closing. Now she seems to be asleep. He's finished playing and I offer to open the tub so he can play again he say no. JB is looking like she's asleep so I tell CG to be very quiet and I stand up from the ball. I am praying please let her stay asleep, please let here stay asleep. I place her as gently as I can in the cot. As her head touches the cushion CG falls down (I think legitimately) and screams. Her eyes fly open. Now I'm very cross I pull him to his feet and whisper-shout at him. He falls to he floor and kicks and screams. I pick up JB and start bouncing her again. He stands in front of me tears streaming down his a face and crying mommy up. I say I'm sorry I can't pick you up now please just let me put JB to sleep and we can leave. He crys more and I feel terrible so I give in and try to say he can sit on my one knee. So I shift JB into the crook of my left arm and try to pick him up while still on the ball. I can't get hold of him properly so I end up pulling him onto my knee by the back of his trousers. He puts his head on my shoulder and cries. I feel crappy and start to cry myself. I continue to bounce and he calms down and wiggles off my lap. Now I am desperate to get her down and keep him quiet. I think even though I've told him no iPad I wish I had it upstairs now so I could let him play cause I know it'd keep him mostly quiet. But I don't so I start making suggestions like go and find your Duplo motor bike and put a man on it then come and show mommy which man you chose. I say this four or five times and eventually give up. I just let him roll around on the floor moaning. Now JB is asleep again. With tears rolling down my checks I stand up praying please let her stay alseep, please. I put her down and she seems to be asleep. I shush CG and push him out of the room as he starts to moan, he screams but I close the door just in time, I hope. We are now both crying. I pick him up and run to our bedroom so he doesn't wake JB up. Then I realise her monitor is in our bedroom and not on. I tell him please just stay here in mommy's room I need to put the monitor in JB's room. He cries. I give him his airplane and say drive it on the bed till I get back. He cries harder. I say please CG stay here or you'll wake JB. Then he cries louder and I run to JB's room and close the door so I can put her monitor in. Then I go back to our room. He cries and says go down here (go down stairs), which he has been saying since we started this process. I give in and forget about getting dressed and take him down stairs to play. I get out the box of puzzles and take them out, we start playing and JB starts crying. As soon as he hears her he starts crying and saying no no no. I run upstairs while he cries. I sit on the floor in JB's room and rock the cot. I hope if I don't pick her up she'll settle on her own. I put the dummy in again and again. I can hear CG at the bottom of the stairs crying for me. I ignore him. Eventually she seems to go to sleep. I leave and call down the stairs that I'm getting dressed. He moans all the way up the stairs and comes up. He cries and moans to be picked up and I sit on the floor and talk gently to him and try to explain and try to make him feel better. Then I say I'm getting dressed. He cries again. He says go down here again and again. I say as soon as I'm dressed. Finally after lots of crying and head banging and a smack for head banging we start for down stairs and JB wakes again. I give up. I pick her up in one arm and him in the other one and carry them both down the stairs to the play room. Josh gets a puzzle and is happy. She is sleeping on me and is happy. I am exhausted, my back hurts and I'm crying but at least no ones screaming. "

 

This was a breaking point for me. I realised I needed to be honest with my husband about the fact that I was not coping and needed more of his help than I was asking for. I realised that I needed to tell him I was not ok with him leaving me alone every Saturday morning which was when I was exhausted from the week and needed help. I needed to tell him that and not just keep it to myself and end up resenting him. When I finally had a conversation with him about this we opened a dialogue and started working on my feelings of being overwhelmed and left alone. He didn't give up worship team because that was what was feeding his soul and stopping him from falling apart. Instead we found other ways around the issue, like me taking time off during the week so I wasn't so exhausted on the weekend.

 

I also realised I needed to change some of my perfectionist expectation. It was just stupid to spend so much time trying to get my daughter to sleep in her cot when she slept so easily on my body. So I adjusted my expectations of how babies should sleep, bought a wrap and carried her and she slept beautifully and my son got time with just me while she slept. This helped him and lessened his tantrums. I also stopped fighting the TV and iPad as methods of distraction for him and realised they were simply necessary evils at this point in our lives.

All in all this trial was a valuable experience and God taught me a lot through it.

 

 

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