The things I have done....... for my son.

It's been a long time since I've written anything for my blog. I guess I've had a combination of writers block and three-children-no-time-to-sit-downitis. In that time so much has happened that I have no idea where or how to start again.  So in the end I have just decided to start where I am now and fill in the gaps as I go along. 

Right now I am feeling overworked and under appreciated, not to mention sleep deprived and totally overwhelmed. There have been many days when I have wondered if I am really cut out to be a stay-at-home mom. I have been tired, irritable, shouty, short tempered and in a general funk with my kids (and my poor husband). 

I got to the point where I started to wonder if perhaps it was time to pack it in and go back to work where perhaps I would at least be appreciated. Yesterday out of the blue, a pod cast link appeared on my FB page for a radio show with a guest mom, Lisa Jo Baker, talking about finding your identity as a mom. I listened to it and it was like she was talking directly to me. Wow. God used Lisa Jo to talk to me right where I was directly to my heart. 

I don't know why but I am always so astounded when God finds an unexpected way to speak into me life. After many weeks of beating myself up I finally decided to look at some of the things I have accomplished as a mom. The words that poured out surprised me and when I reread them I cried. But once again I was reminded just how easy it is for the devil to focus my attention on everything I am doing wrong. It makes me sad at just how easily I am blinded. 

Here is what I wrote on May 20th of this year. Things have changed a lot since then but more about that later.  The things I have done...

Read, prayed, sought wisdom and professional counselling for my son. I did not give up when my husband didn't easily agree, when the devil got in and said I was crazy. 

I have driven him to play therapy and OT. 

I have put my other children off to do this.

I have loved, reasoned, rationalized, intellectualized, disciplined and hugged him through out-of-control tantrums, arguments, anger and fear.

I have been the only person he wants and the one person he is meanest to. I have been hugged, kissed, clung to, cried for, kicked, punched, bitten, hit, shouted at and hated on. 

I have listened to his night mares, philosophized about heaven and dying with him and answered a million questions on a million topics.

I have played puzzles, read books, built duplo and played fantasy at 5am and when I really needed to be taking care of other things.

I have given up my whole life and withdrawn from all my extracurricular activities to be there for him and to make sure I had the energy to deal with his emotional state calmly.

I have made charts, carried weighted stuff toys across the Atlantic, stocked the car with juice and allowed him to sleep in my bed for nights on end. 

Now almost three years later I am finally seeing all my hard work, in the area of his anxiety, make a difference. Finally we are at the point of him being on medication which is making a huge difference to his life. We have a long road still to go and I will be the one to carry the load again and again because he is my son and I want a different and a better life for him than I had. One where he is not crippled by anxiety.