When God calls you to be ordinary

"You have a purpose in this life."

" God will guide you to make a difference."

" You are fearfully and wonderfully made."

"You are special."

I have heard this many times throughout my life and I have said it to myself during the dark nights of wondering who I am and what I am meant to do with my time on earth. It is after all, the eternal question, why am I here? As a Christian I know God has the answer to that question. He knows what purpose he has for me. He has gifted me and he has a plan. There have been many cross roads in my life where the search for this purpose has kept me on my knees and awake at night. 

As a child dreaming of my life and as a teenager planning bigs things for my future I always envisioned that somehow I was made to do something special, something extraordinary. In university I searched for that one perfect 'job' that would bring together all my talents, gifts, passions and abilities. To find my perfect place and purpose in the universe. Something that would fulfill me, challenge me, make me happy and bring the kingdom of God to earth. 

After many many years of searching for that one perfect thing I have learnt that such a destiny only exists in fairy tales. That our lives are full of seasons and in each our purpose and God's plan for us may well be different. 

Unfortunately somehow I keep missing the memo. I find myself striving, yearning, reaching for something new and exciting. Searching for something else, after all, I am special and God must have more planned for me than what I have now. Did I mention that I am a mom to three kids under 5. Which for reasons I cannot fathom (insert sarcastic wink here) is not nearly as glamorous, fulfilling and meaningful as I had thought it would be. I know, crazy right! 

Don't get me wrong, I love my munchkins and I chose (and continue to choose) to stay at home with them. It's just that when you are changing throw-up-sheets at midnight or sleeping next to a child who expects you to warm her feet under your back (whilst kicking you) or playing snakes and ladders for the  hundredth time, onetends to loose oneself in the mundaneness of it all. One tends to find one's mind wandering, during the third poo nappy change of the morning, whether this really is all one is to ever be. A bottle washer, cook, cleaner, transporter, disciplinarian, referee and chair

In September I was given the amazing blessing of going to the annual women's retreat at our church. I was so excited. What would God have in store for me? After all I have been at home for five years now perhaps it time to break out of my shell and do something really awesome for Him. 

The anticipation of meeting with God made my brain buzz so much that I couldn't focus during our first silent prayer time. "Please God still my excited mind, help me to be calm and at peace so I can hear from you this weekend." And then I did! But it wasn't exactly what I was expecting. Infact it wasn't even what I wanted to hear. 

In the silence God whispered in his still, small voice, "I want you..."

"Yes God I'm listening, I'm ready to do something awesome"

"....to be ordinary."

"Wait, what now. But I am awesome and you have given me all these gifts surely you have something special for me to do." 

"I do daughter, you are right where you are supposed to be. I want you to just be. Be an ordinary mother."

I was sure there must have been some mistake. I came on this retreat because God was going to show me how He was going to fulfill His purpose through me. As you can imagine "I want you to be ordinary" was really not what I wanted to hear. 

Slowly throughout the weekend God revealed his plan for my life during this season.

 "I need you to stand still, can you do that?"

"No, no I can't Lord. You made me, you know I get bored easily. You know that my creative brain can't possibly stay focused on only one thing."

"Will you stand still, will you be ordinary?"

"No you must have the wrong person. I am too much of a creative force to be still. Anyway mother's get so little appreciation and acknowledgment. I need that, you made that my love language, remember Lord."

"Can you be an ordinary mother for me? Will you let that be enough? Can you serve your family and not yourself? Can you have a true servant heart like I do?"

"But I don't know how to do that, how to be that. I don't think I can stand still, I don't think I can just be a mom. I don't know how to serve without begrudging getting up to a child who wants juice at 2am or being irritated with correcting a behaviour for the hundredth time (no you may not sit on your baby brother). I don't know how to graciously release my hard working husband to go out for a beer with friends on a Friday its-the-end-of-the-week-and-I'm-about-to-loose-my-mind-night."

"Can you do this? You keep seeking your purpose and my plan for you. Can you stop seeking and be the ordinary mother I am asking you to be."

"Alright lord but I don't know how."

"Hold onto me and I will teach you the steps."

"Ok Lord, I'm ready to try."

"Alright then..... Shall we dance?"

Painting by Leonid Afremov