The Jesus Gift

About 4 years ago we started a new tradition in our house inspired by a post I read on another blog, 1plus1plus1equals1 . We call ours the Jesus gift.
Each year we have a special gift under our Christmas tree; a gift from our family to Jesus. As He doesn't really need material things, being in heaven and all, we give him our hearts in acts of kindness and service. During the run up to Christmas we choose something to do, as a family, for others.
We have bought supplies for a baby clinic, put together Santa shoe boxes for under privileged children and taken gingerbread biscuits to a frail care centre. This tradition is our way of redirecting our children's focus off of themselves and the commercialism of Christmas towards others. The Jesus gift encourages them to see that there are less fortunate people out there. It teaches them that Christmas is about giving gifts to others, as a response to the love and grace we receive from God.
And so the first gift we open on Christmas morning is our Jesus gift. We talk about whose birthday we are celebrating and we thank God for his goodness. Inside the box we put photos of whatever it is we did for others this Christmas season. Then, of course, we descend in to a present opening frenzy, just like every other family out there, and the focus shifts back to who got what.
Our aim is to grow this tradition as our children get older to a point where they will give willingly of their own time and money. During a time of self centered, pleasure seeking we want our kids to see beyond their own wants and needs. To see the plight of others and recognize the madness that is commercial Christmas. We want them to celebrate a christian Christmas with Jesus and love at the centre.

How we celebrate Valentine's day as a family

This weekend was Valentine's Day, a day which has been completely over commercialised. On Valentine's Day a meal costs twice as much as any other day and don't even try to order roses unless you've got money like Donald Trump. My hubby has also been totally irritated by the commercialism of the day but I have always insisted on celebrating it. However in recent years, with the craziness of kids, it has become less important to me to be romanced on Valentine's Day.
So we decided to include the kids in the Valentine's celebrations. Now we all spread the love and make each other feel special and we've brought some fun back to the day. We also have a new name for it, after all who really wants to celebrate a person's torture and beheading. So now the kids have taken it upon themselves to call it Love Day, all thanks must go to Daniel Tiger and PBS for this idea.
So just in case you're looking for something a little more meaningful to do next year, here's what we did for Love Day.

We cut out hearts - ok mommy cut out most of the hearts but this year CG did his own cutting. Each person, kids included, wrote a message for each family member saying what they love about them. We sat and read them all together in the morning. Of course everybody got the obligatory chocolate heart as well. Then in the afternoon we had a Love Day picnic, complete with heart balloons. At the picnic we read some books about love and just enjoyed each other's company.
All in all we had a great Love Day as a family. Best of all we weren't broke by the end of it and everyone felt extra special.

No Bullies!

We have been having a lot of trouble in our house with kids hitting kids. Ok so let's be honest it's not just hitting. It's hitting and ....... kicking, biting, sitting on, standing on and just generally trying to hurt each other. It's been driving me batty.

The poster CG made. With two people punching

I've tried time outs and taking away TV and of course shouting. So far no deterrent has worked. So eventually I just thought 'ok I give up'. Then after I had spent some time feeling sorry for myself I decided I needed some more tools in my parenting toolbox. The ones I had just weren't cutting it.
So I took Siblings without Rivalry off the bookshelf and started to read. At the same time I started to ask friends for advice on how they deal with the general nastiness that sibling relationships can deteriorate into. With the help of these two resources here's what I did.
1: Call a family meeting.
2: We discussed what a bully was. Then we discussed what a bully might do. This conversation was inspired by a post I saw on FB called Is it Bullying.
3: I asked the kids to give me examples of times they had been bullied and to tell me what they had done in return.
4: Then I got then to describe time when they were angry and what they did to the person who made them mad. Both said they would never hit someone. 'That's not right mom' I was told.

5: 'So' I said 'neither of you are a bully at your school?'
'Noooo' they chorused.
6: 'Ok that's great, well done. Are you guys bullies at home.'
They both looked a little taken aback and JB immediately got an impish smile and said 'No'. CG looked sheepish and said, very slowly, 'yes'.
7: 'Oh dear guys, I think you are definitely bullies at home. Is that a good thing?'
8: Once we had all agreed that we needed to stop being bullies at home to the people we love we moved onto what the consequence should be for hurting each other.
9: After a few overzealous ideas from CG it was decided that an immediate time out without a warning would be the punishment.
10: It was also decided that we needed to have some posters up to remind us all about our 'House Rules'.
11: We also decided (with some mom prompting) to make No Bullies posters for the house.

After all of this I am happy to report that the incidences of physical fighting have gone down. They are still at the stage of yelling 'No Bullies' at each other anytime things look like they might get physical. We have had a couple of time outs and even Mr E (2mnths) has had his turn in the quiet corner. It's definitely not a fool proof solution but at least I am shouting less and there are less hurts and tears.
I will try to keep you updated on how long it lasts.

Building a skyscraper

Woolworths Building NYC.

 A while ago I wrote a post about building cathedrals and since then this idea has been something my husband and I uses as a way of reassuring ourselves on really hard days. This last holiday was a real struggle for me. With three kids, one of whom is still a very needy toddler, it felt very much like every day was just more of the same. I was feeling very hard done by and sorry for myself because my work is non-stop and mommy's don't get 'vacation days'.

At Christmas my hubby wrote me the most wonderful message in my Christmas card. It was the best Christmas present I received. It made me cry (and I am not a cryer). I wanted to share it with all of you because I am pretty sure I am  not the only mom who feels exhausted and unappreciated at times. Here is what this lovely man wrote:

"There is no way I could do this without you! Please know that while the credit for a skyscraper goes to the architect the foundations are laid by an engineer and the concrete mix is thrown by a labourer. The labourer feels 'ordinary' until he (or she) sees the final product. So when you have to so when you have to mix cement (cook dinner or clean the house) or when you are designing the foundation plan (building relationships, teaching potty training etc) or being the architect choosing schools. teaching about God). You may feel ordinary at first but just wait till the skyscraper is finished. "

Saving money at Christmas

A friend of mine was writing an article on budgeting at Chrismas. She asked for some ideas on what you could do to save money this Christmas. At first I thought I have nothing to contribute but after some thought I realized I actually do a lot of things to save money during the Christmas season but they have become so normal that I don't realise I am doing them. So I thought I would share the ideas on my blog just in case I can help some other families out at this crazy and expensive time of year.

1. I try to buy presents before the December paycheck. I don't want to do it too early otherwise everyone (especially kids) change their minds on what they like. So I usually start in October some time. This splits the cost of presents over multiple pay checks.
2. I Buy gifts at the Christmas markets and fetes, which are abundant, in late October and November. Things are often cheaper at markets and fetes. You also have the added bonus of finding one of a kind things that are homemade and interesting
3. I buy second hand. People probably think that its rude to give something second hand however I see things differently. You can often find items that are almost new at fetes. This is great for kids, who don't really care as long as the items is cool. You can also find old or vintage things which you would not be able to find in the shops. I also upcycle or remake things for people that I find second hand. The added bonus of buying second hand is that you are supporting a charity rather than adding to the bottom line of a big corporation.
4. I buy items online when they are on sale. I subscribe to emails from Takealot, superbalist and groupon and when there is a good special on something for someone I know I will be buying a gift for, I will buy it and keep it in my gift box.
5. Decide ahead of time on a gift price limit. This is essential in my family where there is a big extended family to give gifts to.
6. We have a large extended family and so sometimes we do secrect Santa with them. Each person gets assigned one other person to give a gift to. That way each person only buys one present. We also put price limits on these gifts so it's fair.
7. I do everything in my power not to shop in December. Shops often push up their prices in December and there are fewer sales.
8. In the past I have made gifts for people. I say in the past because with three kids it is very difficult. If I want to do any 'making' I have to plan it far in advance. However I have discovered that you can also 'make' gifts by getting someone else to do the making. For example you can create a mug or calendar with kids photos for grandparents, it through a printing company. I also get my kids to draw cards and decorate large pieces of newsprint which we use as wrapping paper. Family members love that.
9. Wrap your gifts in plain brown paper with an interesting twine or some washi tape as decoration. I also look around for cheap christmas decorations and use them as toppers. In the past I have never used sugar sticks and hot chocolate spoons.
10. Bring and share celebration meals. Whenever we have Christams meals each family gets designated an item/s to bring for the meal. That way no one family bears the financial burden of feeding the whole brood.
11. Have a staycation. JHB is awesome during December because its so quiet and everyone else is away. The weather is great as well. We stay home and do all the touristy things we never get to do during the year.
12. I have a number of store loyalty cards which allow you to earn points for very Rand you spend. These points can be used to pay for things in the store. I save all my points till December or January to spend on shopping when money is tight. 

When God calls you to be ordinary

"You have a purpose in this life."

" God will guide you to make a difference."

" You are fearfully and wonderfully made."

"You are special."

I have heard this many times throughout my life and I have said it to myself during the dark nights of wondering who I am and what I am meant to do with my time on earth. It is after all, the eternal question, why am I here? As a Christian I know God has the answer to that question. He knows what purpose he has for me. He has gifted me and he has a plan. There have been many cross roads in my life where the search for this purpose has kept me on my knees and awake at night. 

As a child dreaming of my life and as a teenager planning bigs things for my future I always envisioned that somehow I was made to do something special, something extraordinary. In university I searched for that one perfect 'job' that would bring together all my talents, gifts, passions and abilities. To find my perfect place and purpose in the universe. Something that would fulfill me, challenge me, make me happy and bring the kingdom of God to earth. 

After many many years of searching for that one perfect thing I have learnt that such a destiny only exists in fairy tales. That our lives are full of seasons and in each our purpose and God's plan for us may well be different. 

Unfortunately somehow I keep missing the memo. I find myself striving, yearning, reaching for something new and exciting. Searching for something else, after all, I am special and God must have more planned for me than what I have now. Did I mention that I am a mom to three kids under 5. Which for reasons I cannot fathom (insert sarcastic wink here) is not nearly as glamorous, fulfilling and meaningful as I had thought it would be. I know, crazy right! 

Don't get me wrong, I love my munchkins and I chose (and continue to choose) to stay at home with them. It's just that when you are changing throw-up-sheets at midnight or sleeping next to a child who expects you to warm her feet under your back (whilst kicking you) or playing snakes and ladders for the  hundredth time, onetends to loose oneself in the mundaneness of it all. One tends to find one's mind wandering, during the third poo nappy change of the morning, whether this really is all one is to ever be. A bottle washer, cook, cleaner, transporter, disciplinarian, referee and chair

In September I was given the amazing blessing of going to the annual women's retreat at our church. I was so excited. What would God have in store for me? After all I have been at home for five years now perhaps it time to break out of my shell and do something really awesome for Him. 

The anticipation of meeting with God made my brain buzz so much that I couldn't focus during our first silent prayer time. "Please God still my excited mind, help me to be calm and at peace so I can hear from you this weekend." And then I did! But it wasn't exactly what I was expecting. Infact it wasn't even what I wanted to hear. 

In the silence God whispered in his still, small voice, "I want you..."

"Yes God I'm listening, I'm ready to do something awesome"

"....to be ordinary."

"Wait, what now. But I am awesome and you have given me all these gifts surely you have something special for me to do." 

"I do daughter, you are right where you are supposed to be. I want you to just be. Be an ordinary mother."

I was sure there must have been some mistake. I came on this retreat because God was going to show me how He was going to fulfill His purpose through me. As you can imagine "I want you to be ordinary" was really not what I wanted to hear. 

Slowly throughout the weekend God revealed his plan for my life during this season.

 "I need you to stand still, can you do that?"

"No, no I can't Lord. You made me, you know I get bored easily. You know that my creative brain can't possibly stay focused on only one thing."

"Will you stand still, will you be ordinary?"

"No you must have the wrong person. I am too much of a creative force to be still. Anyway mother's get so little appreciation and acknowledgment. I need that, you made that my love language, remember Lord."

"Can you be an ordinary mother for me? Will you let that be enough? Can you serve your family and not yourself? Can you have a true servant heart like I do?"

"But I don't know how to do that, how to be that. I don't think I can stand still, I don't think I can just be a mom. I don't know how to serve without begrudging getting up to a child who wants juice at 2am or being irritated with correcting a behaviour for the hundredth time (no you may not sit on your baby brother). I don't know how to graciously release my hard working husband to go out for a beer with friends on a Friday its-the-end-of-the-week-and-I'm-about-to-loose-my-mind-night."

"Can you do this? You keep seeking your purpose and my plan for you. Can you stop seeking and be the ordinary mother I am asking you to be."

"Alright lord but I don't know how."

"Hold onto me and I will teach you the steps."

"Ok Lord, I'm ready to try."

"Alright then..... Shall we dance?"

Painting by Leonid Afremov

The things I have done....... for my son.

It's been a long time since I've written anything for my blog. I guess I've had a combination of writers block and three-children-no-time-to-sit-downitis. In that time so much has happened that I have no idea where or how to start again.  So in the end I have just decided to start where I am now and fill in the gaps as I go along. 

Right now I am feeling overworked and under appreciated, not to mention sleep deprived and totally overwhelmed. There have been many days when I have wondered if I am really cut out to be a stay-at-home mom. I have been tired, irritable, shouty, short tempered and in a general funk with my kids (and my poor husband). 

I got to the point where I started to wonder if perhaps it was time to pack it in and go back to work where perhaps I would at least be appreciated. Yesterday out of the blue, a pod cast link appeared on my FB page for a radio show with a guest mom, Lisa Jo Baker, talking about finding your identity as a mom. I listened to it and it was like she was talking directly to me. Wow. God used Lisa Jo to talk to me right where I was directly to my heart. 

I don't know why but I am always so astounded when God finds an unexpected way to speak into me life. After many weeks of beating myself up I finally decided to look at some of the things I have accomplished as a mom. The words that poured out surprised me and when I reread them I cried. But once again I was reminded just how easy it is for the devil to focus my attention on everything I am doing wrong. It makes me sad at just how easily I am blinded. 

Here is what I wrote on May 20th of this year. Things have changed a lot since then but more about that later.  The things I have done...

Read, prayed, sought wisdom and professional counselling for my son. I did not give up when my husband didn't easily agree, when the devil got in and said I was crazy. 

I have driven him to play therapy and OT. 

I have put my other children off to do this.

I have loved, reasoned, rationalized, intellectualized, disciplined and hugged him through out-of-control tantrums, arguments, anger and fear.

I have been the only person he wants and the one person he is meanest to. I have been hugged, kissed, clung to, cried for, kicked, punched, bitten, hit, shouted at and hated on. 

I have listened to his night mares, philosophized about heaven and dying with him and answered a million questions on a million topics.

I have played puzzles, read books, built duplo and played fantasy at 5am and when I really needed to be taking care of other things.

I have given up my whole life and withdrawn from all my extracurricular activities to be there for him and to make sure I had the energy to deal with his emotional state calmly.

I have made charts, carried weighted stuff toys across the Atlantic, stocked the car with juice and allowed him to sleep in my bed for nights on end. 

Now almost three years later I am finally seeing all my hard work, in the area of his anxiety, make a difference. Finally we are at the point of him being on medication which is making a huge difference to his life. We have a long road still to go and I will be the one to carry the load again and again because he is my son and I want a different and a better life for him than I had. One where he is not crippled by anxiety.